Ever since I can remember people have believed in me. From family members to school authority figures to friends, most people didn’t believe the chances of me failing were high. I always excelled in school and a lot of that excellence was due to: 1. A mother who refused to let me be mediocre or average despite how badly I wanted to be just that, 2. Most of my teachers loved me and constantly gave me all the attention i needed.
As I’ve grown, I’ve continued to excel at the things I set my mind to (and encountered my fair share of failures as well) and also have become an anchor for some of the people around me. There are people who rely on me for advice, counsel, and just general “hey girl wazzam”-ness which is amazing to me because it still blows my mind that folks even read this blog.
But sometimes the belief and the expectations and being that one reliable point in the ever-moving tornado of life is hard and it weighs heavy. Even with people who I can lean on, things got heavy and there was a point where everything felt like a burden. Which was weird because my life has been consistently awesome for AT LEAST the last four consecutive years. It’s hard to explain to people that you’re suffocating when all they see is light beaming from you. There are certain feelings that can’t be put into words. They’re impossible to convey and even if you could properly share them, you still would feel that people didn’t get it.
I’ve always moved through life with a strong focus, even when I wasn’t quite on the path I needed to be I had some type of focus or purpose to what I was doing. About a year ago (*schmoneys anyway*) my eyes were opened to exactly what I should be doing, how I should be doing it and what the path was to getting there.
Ever since I’ve had a PLETHORA of affirmations that this was what I was supposed to do, but there’s this weird thing that happens when you know what you’re supposed to be doing and yet have no spurning or desire to pursue it. I went through a period like that this year, where I knew what I needed to do but everything felt like a chore and everything was a burden and I felt absolutely terrible about it.
People spend years, decades even, trying to figure out what their calling is. What they’re meant to do, who they’re meant to be in this world and here I am, with all but a written schematic on what I’m meant to do, completely unmotivated to do anything let alone anything that has to do with my greater calling on this earth.
Felt like King David in the good ol’ Holy Bible who had his calling laid out before him at a young age (like hella young) but who had to wait and go through some things before he got any where near his greater purpose. Except the Bible never mentioned minor bouts of apathy and depression but I’m sure they were in there. Anyways, here’s a twitter rant I went on from The Visibility Project, the site I work for where you should totes visit if you wanna read more of the things I write and such.
Hope your life is filled with greatness and excellence and spinach-feta quiches (bc those things are delicious).
“Even young people become worn out and get tired. Even the best of them trip and fall. But those who trust in the Lord will receive new strength.They will fly as high as eagles. They will run and not get tired. They will walk and not grow weak.”-Isaiah 40:30-31