…and the only way to stop them from releasing their superior mind-blowing weaponry on our water-based planet was to sacrifice things native to our land, these are the things I’d suggest we offer first.
Note: This list is not entirely inclusive, there are several other people/item/ideals that should be sent to the great imaginary Alien-Peace-Sacrifice Table, but these are just a few of the things that should go in the first round.
Also, I doubt the aliens would actually want ANYTHING that we have on Earth, they’d probably just blow the planet to smithereens and giggle viciously as the planet Earth becomes obsolete. So, basically I’m just listing stuff that I feel the world needs to be rid of forever. When i say forever, i mean even past Judgement Day and the Second Coming of Christ, these things should NEVER reappear. Ever. In all of eternity.
First, and foremost: WAKA FLOCKA FLAME. I would use crafty words and amazing phrases to explain this suggestion but I feel this YouTube video will explain my reasoning well enough.
Second: Lady Gaga’s meat Dress
Yep that dress should be sacrificed..and then deep fried and served to starving children. I’m pretty sure the aliens would have no use for her raw clothing but I’m sure it would intrigue them and they could probably make way better use of all that uncooked pork/beef/or whatever. I mean we clearly need to sacrifice all the stuff our society could and should do without. Therefore, a dress made of raw meat should be the first thing to go-after Waka Flocka of course. Actually, why don’t we attach the meat dress TO waka flocka and offer them together in a great sendoff which would require him to be sticky glued to a rocket while the dress hangs from his dreads.
Yes i said it, jeggings need to be on the first thing smoking to outerspace. I’m pretty sure aliens would be intrigued by the complex fusion of spandex and jean-like material. And from what I can tell, by viewing these pieces of clothing on people who are entirely too large to wear them, these things are pretty durable and flexible. So that could be a plus to the aliens, maybe they could use the jeggings in their next giant weapon of mass destruction. Or if not for artillery, they could totally stitch a bunch of them together and make a giant hammock. That way the aliens could be comfy while sipping on a cool glass of sweet tea at the next alien family reunion[or whatever gatherings aliens have in their free extraterrestrial time].
Fourth: Young Money-or at least Lil Wayne
Now i know, Lil Wayne is a rap “monster” and all and he is beloved by people all over the world[i know this for a fact because they play his music in Spain and when i heard this I was shocked, SHOCKED] but let’s admit it, no one understands what the hell he is saying most of the time. Actually, when he is not rapping, he talks at a speed so slow that I wonder if he is actually speaking known English. I’m pretty sure he would be able to communicate very easily with our alien friends. Also he totally said “we are not the same I am Martian, we are not the same I am an ALIEN”! He is totally admitting to being an other-planetary being. How happy would the aliens be that we returned their long-lost third cousin Lil’ Wayne? Also, I’m pretty sure not too many people would argue to all his look-alikes and 75% of the Young Money Roster being sent with him. Just let us keep Drake…and i guess Nicki Minaj.
They MUST be eliminated. Also, the aliens may find them fashionable. Even if they don’t at least the world would be rid of them. Ok maybe we shouldn’t ship ALL the crocs to outer space, but I feel you should have to show proof that you are a nurse in order to buy them and that nurses ALONE should be able to wear them…at work only.
Sixth: The Cast Members of Jersey Shore
Now this could be both a sacrifice and a secret weapon. Yes, yes I know Jersey Shore is everyone’s guilty pleasure and I too have spent many a Thursday night ogling at the crazy antics of these Jersey-area natives but let’s be honest this show is one of the biggest acts of tomfoolery that has ever shown itself on television. AND that could be the one thing that saves us from total alien domination. I really think the ignorance and shamefulness that is embodied when those 8 people get together could very well baffle the aliens beyond reason and therefore make it impossible for them to conquer us. Actually, they could very well flee in horror. Which is good for us. Yay Earth! BUT there is also the chance that the aliens merely disregard the JS members as idiots and would not be phased at all by the Jersey-ness. Well then, the earth would just be 8 people less.
So here are just a few starting points for your own list of “what to have ready for sacrifice if aliens ever requested ransom for the fate of our planet”. I’d love to hear some of your additions.
I think I’m done.
Remember: You never know when something extremely random may happen, so like Scar said in the Lion King BE PREPARED!
2 thoughts on “If aliens were to challenge Earth to intergalactic warfare….”
BrI! I didn’t know you had a blog! This is too funny!
i would say that Lion King is one of the best animated films that i have ever watched -‘.