Big Foot [and other things that make no sense to me]

Happy January Everybody!!! {I figured it was too late for a Happy New Year greeting} Hope all of you are well.

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything to this here blog of mine. So I spent many days and nights[ok, only like one and a half] pondering what my first post of the year should be about. Suddenly it came to me in a vision, like a neon purple unicorn sprinting from a tunnel of rainbows and sunshine, I should write about one of the most relevant things to my life: things that confound, or otherwise don’t make any type of sense to, me. Genius right?

1. The “the lord knows my heart” argument in reference to people going to church or any other action that would be in the way of ‘getting their life right’

This argument is an extremely old one. Or at least I’ve been hearing it as long as I can remember. If you ask, ‘what argument is it you speak of?’, I’ll use it in a scenario to make it a bit clearer:

Uncle, who has a history of various actions of ne’erdo-ism such as frequent drunkeness, various times spent in jail, various warrants due to speeding tickets, random periods where his license is suspended and so on..: It’s Friday night I Just got paid, i’m bout to hit the club and find me a nice lil’ honey to spend my money on and if all works out I’ll have her calling me daddy by midnight.

God-fearing realative: Now [insert uncle’s name here] you better get from ’round here talking all that noise. You are entirely too old to still be chasing women and running the streets. You need to be in church Sunday morning.

Uncle: I don’t need to go to Church with all them hypocrites and folks looking down at me! What’s wrong with going out and having some fun? Even Jesus drank some wine. Where it say in the bible that I can’t go out and drink and spend some time with some women.

*GFR pulls out bible and finds appropriate verse*

Uncle: *now defeated and left looking extremely ignorant and especially ne’erdoer-like* Well, Imma do me, besides the Lord knows my heart…

Yeah that argument. Reasons why I don’t get the argument is because it makes no sense. So, since you said the “Lord knows my heart” that means you can just do whatever you want. Does that logic ever actually make people feel better about whatever bad action they are about to engage in? I don’t think it does. Also, that argument is completely invalid because it can’t be used in any other scenario. For example, if your significant other pulled a page from all of the Tyler Perry movies AND plays and decided to just rake your soul over the flaming hot coals of relationship hell. I’m talking cheating, having a baby on you, sleeping with your best friend, emptying your bank account, giving you AIDS AND forcibly removing (or having some one else do it for them) from your place of residence AFTER 25 years marriage and five kids. Imagine your significant other did that, would you just be okay with it because they tell you “you know my heart” . Methinks not! So why would it be relevant when people are on the defensive against God/Church-related activities? See, that’s why i am confounded!

2. Face Tattoos

See this is even more ignorant than Waka Flocka himself

I don’t feel there is much I can really say about why this befuddles me, besides the fact that it could very well be the stupidest thing any human being can do to his or herself besides covering himself in gasoline, jumping into a bonfire, then dousing the flame out with ammonia and rubbing alcohol, and then throwing his mutilated semblance of a body in front of a mack truck. There is no reason EVER why anyone should get a tattoo on their face. I personally am not a fan of any type of tattoo ANYWHERE but a tattoo on the face trumps all. Why? Because you can’t hide the darn thing ESPECIALLY IF IT IS A TATTOO OF AN ICE CREAM CONE!!!! Celebrities have started a trend of inking every single part of your body up, which is fine if that floats your boat, but of course they had to take it a step farther and start inking their faces up. But guess what, although they may get frowned upon by their mothers, they will still have a job because they are celebrities. They can grow old with their marked up, tear drop and ice cream cone-laden faces and live a perfectly successful and lucrative lifestyle until they die and the beasts of the earth have their way with them. But where does that leave you homefry with the seven letters and three tattoos on your face? A Garbage Man A Sanitation Worker.

3. Why this girl thought this would be successful

Everything about this situation looks like this will fail epically. Honestly, they had the perfect ingredients for a EPIC FAIL stew short of a giant EPIC FAIL sign. But if dancing around to Beyonce in a clown mask which allows limited vision is what helps you sleep at night, I say “All systems go”.

4. Why Glue Sticks are so short.

I didn’t realize how little glue is in an average Elmer’s Glue Stick until I needed to complete a bulletin board for my hall and I used the entire thing on like 20 sheets of construction paper. I was using it sparingly and everything and STILL ran out. Would it kill them to add an extra half inch of glue stick-ness to the stick. At least enough for me to finish my bulletin boards. What if, the one thing standing between me and saving the world is using a glue stick to stick two things together and the only glue stick available is an Elemer’s one. And I’m almost done gluing my way to world salvation and it runs out….how wack wack would that be? Extremely wack wack.

5. Where my black marker out of my set of 8 Crayola markers is located

If you find it, please return it because I really need that marker and I have no idea where it is.

6. Why the people who made up Santa Claus felt reindeer would be an appropriate animal to carry his sleigh

Clearly, there are like 35 animals that are probably way more efficient than reindeer at carrying obese Santa and his sleigh of toys that were probably made by little 6 year old poverty-stricken children. For example, a Cheetah is way faster than a reindeer. Plus it already looks like it’s flying/hovering when it’s running to chase down some delicious caribou [or whatever animal cheetahs eat].

7. The fact that there is an ‘O’ in Sophomore {see look at it}

Nothing about the pronunciation indicates there is an o. But there it is. Fail, wizards of spelling. EPIC FAIL.

Well that’s all i could articulate on the web for now. plus this post is getting a bit lengthy. But feel free to add anything that completely confounds you. I’d love to hear about it.

Go with God,

-Bri

He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ“- Philippians 1:6

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