Love & Basketball [and other things you need to avoid if you don’t have a valentine]

So Valentine’s Day is coming up and I don’t have a Valentine(20 years going strong). But do not fret, this is not a giant love-bashing “I wish everyone with a boo would throw themselves off a cliff into a lake of hungry piranhas” tangent. No, none of that nonsense from Msbribap. Actually I am completely okay with V-day because I’ve NEVER had a valentine. Not saying I’ve never had a boo, because I have, but I’ve never had a boo in February. So I’ve never had a valentine (although me and my bestie Violet the pilot have been celebrating Singles Awareness Day for about three years now) therefore I figure you can’t miss what you never had. The purpose of this post is to aid my fellow singles on this impending (and somewhat ominous) day. It’s more like a preparation plan so that you may be prepared for the big cupid-palooza. Think of it like a hurricane preparedness/evacuation plan except for Valentines day. Of course, me being the considerate and compassionate humanitarian that I am I decided to let all the singles know what to avoid if they want to have a successful Valentine’s/ S.A. Day [ by successful I mean not ending up in jail because you set your ex’s Chevy on fire and stood in the middle of the street watching it burn while  screaming the lyrics to Cee-lo’s “Forget You” into a loudspeaker as you took monstrous gulps from a bottle of Ciroc.]

Alcohol

I know that handle of Smirnoff has been sitting on your counter for weeks and you’ve been dying to kill the last of what was leftover from New Years  but I warn you, Valentine’s night is not the night to do it. I beg of you stay away from all forms of alcohol, ALL forms. I mean anything that was fermented, aged in a barrel somewhere, or distilled DO NOT TOUCH IT. Don’t even look at it. Don’t even think about it. Because it all starts with ONE sip. That’s all it takes, one sip of liquor, to make you start thinking about “the one who got away” or “the one that took the house, the car, the kids, and the dog” and it’s over. You will continue to drink and you will like it and soon that last bit of Smirnoff isn’t enough to get you out of your Shai “If I Ever Fall in Love Again” listening, Lifetime movie-watching, depressed stupor. So then you pop open the Jose’ [or if you’re extra fancy the Patron] and once the tequila is opened there is no hope for ANYONE. Not men, not women, not small children, not even puppies. No one is safe from your scorned,bitter, broken hearted drunken wrath. Soon it gets to the point where the only things separating you from Eddie Kane Jr. are the shiny suit and the four other Heartbeats. If you don’t know who Eddie Kane Jr. or the Heartbeats are, see below:

Seriously, this could be you. You’re only four bottles of Moscato away from this.

That first sip is the stepping stone to Eddie Kane-ness. It’s been scientifically proven that on Valentine’s Day any single person who begins drinking will end up going to the person who once held them in high regard {aka thought they were the Bright and Morning Star like King Ramses in Prince of Egypt, but now thinks they are the wackest thing since Danny Tamberelli joined the cast of All That-if that’s too ancient the wackest thing since Lebron James made everyone wait for “the Decision”} and will begin singing songs from the “good old days” while attempting to show them they’ve “still got it.” Usually these occurrences happen late at night once you’ve drunkenly stumbled to their house and decide to get it all out in the open.  After your former lover/boo/future parent of your babies rejects your drunken tomfoolery things get real bad {note flaming Chevy scenario from above}. So to avoid all that nonsense just don’t drink anything except fruit juice and water on the 14th of February. It’s better for EVERYBODY.

BUT IF YOU MUST DRINK….

STAY THE HECK AWAY FROM YOUR PHONE

just don’t. Drunk texts and calls are not cute. Not at all. No one wants them. Plus, you will regret leaving that five minute long voice message on your ex’s phone the next morning. YOU WILL. Remember you can delete the text messages on your phone but they are forever stored in the recipient’s phone.  FOREVER.

Love and basketball

I love this movie. Honestly, I do. I know most of the words and have seen it entirely too many times. I will watch it any time it’s on and if it’s not on I’ll put it on if there’s nothing to watch….unless it’s Valentine’s Day. I refuse to watch Love and Basketball or any other movie where the lead characters end up in blissful, perfect, envy-ensuing love. I’m pretty sure you’re saying “Hey Bri, that sounds a whole lot like hating. You shouldn’t be all movie discriminating and such just because of the date.” To that I say “clearly you’re in a relationship so hush up and go finish you’re I’m so in love that I crap rainbows and paper hearts marathon on Lifetime.” I’m not hating, but on days like Valentine’s Day it is important for us singles to keep our morale high and lovey-dovey movies are directly against keeping the morale high. Honestly, they’re like Kryptonite to even the strongest of singles, particularly us females. It takes only one happy ending to send us into a tizzy of loneliness and Kleenex. Men, it may not be the same for you but still, you’d probably hate any lovey-dovey movie on any day so I guess this point was a bit pointless for you. Yeah well… Also, watching the movie is sometimes the event that leads to you becoming a one man tequila-destroying machine and if you already forgot what that ends up looking like, well here’s a reminder.

this is NOT what you want
you don't want this either

Your friends WITH Valentines

I know you love your friends. You really do but for the sake of your friendship it is best that you avoid them at all costs on Valentine’s Day. You never realize how much you could secretly resent them for being all happy and taken and eating fettuccine with their significant other until February 14th. You’ll be all hostile for no reason so it’s for the best that you just stay out of their way. Besides, they’re gonna be all extra happy and floating on Unicorn love clouds the whole day and I’m sure you don’t want to be sprayed with all their love and unicorn dust now do you? Exactly. I’m not saying go out and delete all your friends with partners numbers I’m just saying fall back for a day, just for 24 hours. And if you just must talk to your bestie with a boo that day do NOT ask about their plans for later on that night. You’ll just end up rolling your eyes and trying to not throw up from all the cute, starshine and rainbows information that they lay upon you.

Mass texts

Avoid all mass texts on February 14th. ALL.OF.THEM. Why? Because there is a 98.8% chance that they are related to V-day. Screw that, it’s a 100% chance they are love-related. If you see the FWD:FWD:FWD at the start of the text just delete it with great quickness and urgency. Delete it as if it were a grenade filled with acid and hot lava and the only way for you to not die a fiery, horrible lava-related death is to chuck the grenade as far as possible.

Contrary to what Bruno Mars believes.

Why does that man endorse grenade catching? I wouldn’t want you to catch a grenade for me because since you’re catching it for me that means I’m probably in the general vicinity of you and the grenade which means I’m probably still screwed anyway. SO we all die and your sacrificial, suicidal love is what killed us, thanks for that Bruno….BUT why would you need to catch a grenade for me. In what scenario would someone be throwing grenades at me and why has this grenade spewing fool not been caught yet?!!!

sorry, BIG tangent there. back to the topic. Just don’t read mass texts because they are annoying any day of the week but they are exceptionally annoying on Valentine’s Day. I’m jsut saying.

Florists Shops, Walgreens, or any other place that has a huge section of its products devoted solely to February 14th/ Comfort Food

Just don’t go there. Actually don’t go shopping on the 14th unless you are engaging in retail therapy[or whatever the male equivalent of retail therapy is-basketball or Call of Duty or something]. It’s just for the better of everyone involved. Because it will just make you depressed. SO depressed that you buy up a crap-ton of candy and just sit at home and eat it all which makes you gain weight which makes you fat which lessens your chances of having a valentine next year. Not saying that plus-sized people don’t have boos because well they do, I’m just noting that a 150 pound weight gain is not that attractive to most humans. Going from 120 to 270 in 12 months will NOT get you a boo. It just won’t. I’m sorry guy eating boxes of Ghiradelli squares that you bought yourself to make yourself feel better. It’s not sexy. You should feel bad about and you should start running right now until you burn it all off.  BUT, you should go to all those places for the post V-day candy sales. You’ll stock up on candy for the next SIX Valentin’e’s Days. Just eat it sparingly.

Welp, that’s about it. If you can think of any other things to avoid on V-day, lemme know.

God and love

-Bri aka msbribap aka ME

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”- 2 Corinthians 4:18


Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Love & Basketball [and other things you need to avoid if you don’t have a valentine]

  1. “…The male equivalent of retail therapy is-basketball or Call of Duty or something”
    HAHAHA! Oh yes, girl. They pretend they don’t get bummed on V-day too but not so. Call of Duty seems to be a cure-all for anyone with a Y chromosome.

    1. yes this an unfortunate fact.
      Its kinda like throwing a bone in front of a dog.
      no matter what the dog is doing when it sees the food it WILL stop and give it all its attention.
      same thing with guys and call of Duty

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s