Being a product of the digital age I of course have a Facebook and a twitter (follow me if you please @kewl_briize). When I check my twitter my timeline is filled with party updates and nphc shout outs by the Greeks, the daily inspirational retweet of Rev Run, the scorned broken heart relationship bashing, the occasional proclamations of love by those in a happy relationship and of course the “this is for my haters”-themed tweets. Now out of all the many types of tweets that fill up my timeline it is the “hater”-centered tweets are my least favorite and I have some reasons why I dislike them so. Reason one: I hate them because I don’t really believe too much in haters. The thought of people using all their energy just to come against me seems a bit far-fetched and self-centered so I don’t put too much thought into thinking about haters. Reason two: because giving the “haters” that much acknowledgment is just as bad as the initial hating. Reason three: I hate the hater tweets because the people who tweet them usually aren’t that awesome to begin with and cannot fathom the possibility that the reason people don’t like them is because of their deficit of awesome value. Well here are a few reasons why you accumulate so many “haters”.
You act like Captain Jack Sparrow
Captain Jack Sparrow is probably one of the best characters that Disney has ever created. He has charm, and he’s really good looking, and he’s basically a drunken genius. With that being said, he’s really awesome in thees movies. I feel like in real life he’d probably be a huge jerk. One he’s ALWAYS drunk. Two he’s really rude and has no regard for other people’s safety or well being. And three if you owned a ship and left it idle he’d steal it and commandeer it in order to regain the Black Pearl which would suck for you because you’ll never see your ship again unless you were kidnapped by undead pirates in pursuit of a lost treasure. He’s also kind of conceited and thinks very highly of himself. If you are in fact conceited, self-centered, a jerk, a ship thief OR a severe alcoholic then you are in fact a modern-day Jack Sparrow and THAT is why no one likes you.
You Talk More Smack than a Professional Football Commentator
I am all for a healthy amount of noise talking before or after a sporting event. When my team wins a game during football season I will boast and talk smack until the next game. I basically turn into ‘that chick’, you know the one who does the Heisman and running AND the wave after a victory. The one that makes you want to beat them in the game JUST to shut them up. Heck when my kids at camp beat the older kids at dodgeball I hit the dougie, cat daddy, and make up a cheer to help hang it over the losers low-lying, pride-depleted heads. But that is warranted when preceded by a victory or followed by a big game. Yet when someone talks noise EVERY single moment of the day it gets real annoying real quick. No, we do not think it is awesome that you can fry chicken with your left-hand while blindfolded [come to think of it that is quite impressive….]. Anyways, people who talk smack about every little thing they do makes life miserable for every one around them and that is why no one likes you or wants to be around you.
You’re a Name Dropper
If you don’t know what a name dropper is then this scenario should fill you in:
You: Oh my gosh I love that new Kanye album it’s so good.
Name Dropper: Yeah it is good, my cousin used to date the guy who shops for Kanye’s assistant.
You: Oh really? That’s quite cool. Let’s go grab some food, how about we grab a bite to eat at that new Kobe Bryant chicken joint down the street.
Name Dropper: I love the purple and gold sauce there, you know my aunt’s husband is best friend’s with the guy who came up with the recipe and brought it to Kobe’s manager who recommended it to the chef at Kobe’s mansion who gave it to the guy who made the menu for the restaurant chain.
You: Wow that’s really exciting, who’s driving me or you?
Name Dropper: I’ll drive, you know my car is a replica of the original car used in the 1950’s hit show [insert name of popular fifty’s show]. My dad got it by talking to one of his frat brothers who is married to the owner of the hair salon that Steven Spielberg’s daughter goes to.
You: Oh ok, well you know what I just realized I have a paper due in two weeks and I really should get started or else I’ll fall hopelessly behind in my studies and may have to drop out of college. Talk to you later.
Then you begin to avoid that person at all costs in order to save yourself from hearing another story about their “ten degrees of separation” from one celebrity or the other. Name droppers suck and they’re incomprehensibly annoying. No one cares about your cousin Ray-Ray who used to do hair for Justin Beiber’s mom. Unless you can call up that celebrity and make them appear then all the information you just shared is basically useless.
You’re a Virtual Life is Nothing like Your Real One
One of my greatest pet peeves is when people say things on FaceBook, Twitter, or Tumblr that they would never say in real life. These virtual threats usually sound like this : “I am so drove right now, if I see her again, I’m gonna punch her in the face and make her regret the day she was born.” And then the next time they see the person they give them hugs and kisses. These tweets also take the form of people touting some awesome ability that they of course do not have: “I am the greatest breakdancer alive, no on can touch me.” or “Y’all I am the next Tupac, peep the mix tape and listen to my Tupac-like glory.” No one likes a pretender.[ And when I say no one I mean me and my friends]
You’re Just Really Mean
No one wants to be around Regina George’s distant cousin. If you’re mean and take joy in other people’s suffering and pain then yes you do have haters, but they are not hating on you they just hate you. Period.
The moral of the story is not everyone is a ‘hater’ sometimes you’re just kinda sucky at some things. But fear not because there is always time for improvement so before you send your next tweet, update your next status, or compose your next text post about the “haters” check to see if you fall into any of the above categories. So, my beloved and valued readers can y’all think of anything else that can make you ‘accumulate’ haters?
Go with God,
-Bri aka Brini-weenie aka the kewl briize.
“Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly”-2 Timothy 2:16