There is a song by Bill Withers titled “I Can’t Write Left-Handed.” It’s about a man who returns from the Vietnam war and due to his injuries he now is left handed because his right hand has been so severely injured that he can no longer write with it. It is a very deep, moving, and politically charging song that I’m sure most people who know veterans or who were veterans can relate to…….unlike this post which is superficial and politically pointless BUT entertaining. There are some things in life that I am really bad at doing and every time I attempt them I fail pathetically.
Here’s a list of some them:
Driving with my left foot
Wanna know how I know this? Because I tried it. I was coming to a stop light and my right foot started itching so I was like, “hey I’ll just drive with my OTHER foot. It’s not doing anything important.”
I almost died.
Not only did I press the gas instead of the brake but my whole spatial driving method was thrown off. I had to hurry up and slam my awkward left foot on the brake to make sure I didn’t roll my faithful Impala into oncoming traffic. It was very awkward and I haven’t tried to do that ever again because I’m probably now forever scarred from left-footed driving.
Text (or do anything on my phone) and walk
I love my iPhone.
A lot. If you’re not aware of how much I love my iPhone you can check out this post and you will understand the depthof my connection with my phone. That being said I am entirely too attached to my iPhone and I’m always doing crap on it. Like texting someone, playing
Words with Friends, playing The Sims Freeplay, playing Family Feud, checking in on FourSquare, or looking through my email. Since I’m on the thing so much I sometimes attempt to do one of the previously mentioned things while I’m trying to get somewhere. Every single time I do it, it fails miserably.
Thing is, I already walk poorly. I walk in a straight line, like one foot directly in front of the other when I take steps, and therefore I kinda don’t walk straight. It’s weird I know but if I’m not paying attention to where I’m walking I’m like a car in need of a realignment when you take your hands off the wheel. I start to veer a little to the left or right, so you can imagine what happens when I completely take my eyes off where I’m walking and am focused on a small artificial version of Scrabble…..I still have the bruise on my knee from when I slammed into a dresser a month ago. It was very painful. The only thing I can do on my phone while walking is talk on it and even then I’m getting risky.
Greet my friends on campus without Looking like I should be in some type of “Special learning” track in school
Ok I really love seeing my friends but since we’re getting all grown up and getting lives we all tend to be pretty busy. So busy that we hardly ever see each other. So when I do casually see them on campus I get really excited. So excited that I tend to yell their names out loud and flail my arms about wildly. My friends of course are like “Oh it’s just that Bri. She cray,” but I’m sure everyone else is just like “She cray. Let me get on the opposite side of the street to avoid this psychopath.”
I just can’t.
Raise my voice without sounding extra ethnic
There are certain casual arguments that I get into with other people every so often. Nothing serious just certain discussions that require an elevated volume for emphasis. However, when I raise my voice a lot of times it comes out extra ethnic and extra New Orleans. If you ever heard me talk you probably wouldn’t be able to tell where I’m from because I don’t sound quite like Toya but when I get really loud or really annoyed I start to get a lil ig’nant with my speech.
Stay Consistently Fashion Savvy for more than a week at a time
Every school year the exact same ting happens. I start off saying “ok this year is going to be the year. This is the year I’m gonna be super cute everyday and turn heads all the time with all my cool kid effort and flawless makeup.”
By the end of the week I end up in my New York and Company Boot Cuts, some sneakers, a JabbaWockeez t-shirt, and my hair in a ponytail. It just never stays going for long enough for anyone to notice…and why? Because I am super lazy.
Not Be Creeped Out By Hologram People-Dead or Alive
So at Coachella this weekend, the technological geniuses at the festival made a full-out hologram re-creation of Tupac Shakur and had him perform a 5-minute set of his classics, with Snoop Dogg coming in on the last two minutes or so and performing with him. I’m sure you’re like, “Wow technology sure is something eh! Hologram performances? Sure! Why the heck not!” Thing is, Tupac has been dead for 16 years…..that’s creepy as all get out to me. As I watched the video on Youtube I got more and more freaked out the longer I watched. I mean, the likeness was crazy, he looked just like he did back in ’96 before he got shot. It was like watching a ghost perform.
I don’t enjoy the company of ghosts.
Honestly, hologram anything is creepy because it reminds me of the mom in that movie Smart House who went all cray and turned the house into a virtual prison because she was obsessed with the family. I’m not having a hologram anything go all ham on me and turn my house or car into a prison and try to kill me. Nope.
That is all good fellows and sirs!
I’d love to hear if y’all share any of the same inabilities or if you have your own!
With the love and Peace of Christ,
“I say to myself, ‘the Lord is everything I will ever need. I will put my hope in him.'”-Lamentations 3:24